miércoles, 29 de febrero de 2012


Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon, babe, let's go!"

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.

I have a friend who's got a baby. "Gotta see the baby. You've got to come over and see the baby." Nobody ever wants you to come and see their grandfather, do they? "You've got to see my grandfather. You've got to see him. He's so cute. 168 pounds, 4 ounces. I love them when they're this age. He's 1000 months. You know, the mid eighties is such a good time for the grand-people. The mid-eighties, you got to see them. He went to the bathroom by himself today".

How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh no, another headcase!"

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.

Men are obsessed with cleavage. Women are obsessed with shoes. It’s the same for both sexes. It doesn’t matter how many times we have seen these things, every time these objects are presented to us we have to look. We cannot not look. To men cleavage is the nearest thing to a nearby UFO landing. If women buy a pair of shoes that they really love – this is like boarding the alien ship. It’s entirely possible that aliens have landed, but they haven’t been able to get our attention because we’re so occupied with cleavage and shoes.

I know women often complain about the number of things you have to do to get male attention: the high heels, the pantyhose, the makeup, but let me tell you, it’s even worse if you’re a man. Because if you’re a man you don’t know what to do. That’s why we’re building bridges, climbing mountains, exploring uncharted territories. You think we want to do these things? Nobody wants to build a bridge. It’s really, really hard! Designing rockets flying off into space. I guarantee you, every astronaut when he comes back from space, goes up to a girl and goes:” So, did you see me up there?

You don't ever really want to visualize your parents having sex. It's very uncomfortable thing. You know in your mind that they had to have sex at least once to have you, but you still kind of maintain the image in your head, "Well, I don't know. I'm not positive. I can't prove it. I don't know if that actually happened." That's why I think if I found out I was adopted, that would really come as great news. "I'm adopted? That's great." I'd be happy to hear that. That means technically, it's possible that my mother and my father are really just really great friends. I mean sex is a great thing and all but you don't want to think that your whole life began because somebody maybe had a little too much wine with dinner.